by Jennifer Story
Are there any good men left? I, having been married most of my adult life, never really had to grapple with this question. I just thought that my girlfriends were being too picky when they would whine about not being able to find a good man. I stuck my head in the sand of marital bliss and never gave the issue more than a passing thought. The problem with hiding your head in the sand is you can't see when reality is coming from behind to kick you up your backside. My wake up call came in the form of a painful separation and divorce. After which, I found myself single for the first time in my adult life.
At first, I really had no need for dating. I had just shed 220 pounds of dead weight and I was enjoying my sleeker and happier self. I liked being with just me. As time wore on though I noticed a change. I found that even after an ugly divorce I still liked men and wanted to be in the company of them again. It seemed easy enough. I had found my husband without much trouble. Finding a new man would be easy. That's when my single woman's education began.
The first thing I learned was why I had been able to land my first "good man" to begin with. I had no standards of what made a good man. That's not to say that I was easy….just naive. At eighteen, the only thing that mattered was that he loved me and talked about all the great things he would do. It didn't matter that he never actually accomplished any of the things he talked about. It didn't matter that he had trouble holding a job and didn't have money to buy me a ring. The only thing I saw was that he loved me and after all, isn't that all you need? I suppose at eighteen it is. I, however, was not eighteen anymore. I was almost thirty and the mother of two young children. I needed a stable, hardworking man who would love my kids as much as he loved me. That's not a tall order. He didn't need to be gorgeous and rich, just a good man. And so the quest began.
The second thing I learned was I haven't been in the dating scene since 1992 and still in high school and I was very naïve to adult dating. I had never dated as an adult and had no idea what the rules were. I thought that if you liked a person you asked them out for a date. In high school that usually meant a movie and a Big Mac followed by your date driving you home and almost stroking out from the stress of whether to give you a goodnight kiss or not. I just assumed that the same rules applied with perhaps an upgrade on the meal choice. How wrong I was. Apparently between the ages of 18 and 82, single men devolve into crass and over-sexed creatures bent on trying to copulate with as many females as possible in the shortest amount of time while spending the least amount of money. Don't get me wrong. I am not a prude. I am a perfectly healthy thirty-year-old woman who is just beginning to climb her sexual peak. This does not however, mean that I wish to climb that peak with any man willing to strap on a pair of hiking boots. If I had been interested in casual intimacy that led to nothing I'd have stayed with my ex. I'm not looking to get married again but I'd like a man who can say the word "relationship" without stuttering and becoming faint.
The third thing I learned is that internet dating is as useful as a ashtray on a motorcycle when it comes to finding you a compatible mate. Those sites can give me all the examples of how well they scientifically match couples up and I won't buy it. I have seen the internet dating pool and it's as clean and deep as the toddler section of the local swimming pool. I tried the internet personals ads because I'm a single mom working and going to school who doesn't get to go out much and meet people. I figure if I couldn't go to the mountain then I would bring the mountain to me. Unfortunately, I discovered that the mountain was a mole hill. Sure, the men who fill out profiles say that they want a serious relationship. I have learned that this is actually man code for " I'm hoping if I say these things you'll sleep with me on the first date but if not, I'm willing to wait for the second". They say they don't mind a woman with kids but that's really code for "I like kids that I never have to deal with and who don't interfere with either of the two dates I have allotted to try and get their mom to sleep with me". My favorite coded message is the answer to a simple question. It is "marital status". It seems very black and white. I have discovered that there are several shades of gray. From what I gather, married means "I have no business on this site but I'm a pig". Separated means "I'm really married but I didn't want you to think that I'm a pig". Divorced means, "My wife discovered I'm a pig and left me". Widower means, "Hi, my name is Scott Peterson". Last but not least, never married means, "I've never been able to lie well enough to convince a woman that I'm not a pig." It was a complete waste of time for all parties involved.
The last thing I learned was that I don't want to look any more for a partner. To go looking for good men where men look for women is the very definition of a meat market. Women go to these markets looking for the man of their dreams and men go to meet women who will continue to dream while they make a quiet escape out the window. My new theory is that you find that special someone at the most not special moments. You find them when you're walking your dog or buying groceries or even when you're in a fender bender. Love is not something pursued relentlessly with bloodhounds and search lights but is a treasure you trip over in the dark. I've learned that the best thing is to keep running this grand human race in search of no other good person but me. As far as the search for a good man I've decided that the good ones will be running with me…..and keeping up.
