The Bonds That Break

by

Christine Bruun

In the wake of Columbine High School's tragedy, a lesson in living erupts from the sadness.  There is a message that should be shouted from the roof tops of junior highs and high schools across the nation.  It is the message that the high school experience has nothing to do with who you become. anymore than what you experience in kindergarten has any connection to who you are in high school.

How do I impress upon these students that there is life after high school.  How to I stamp into their heads the fact that as you walk across the stage, gripping your diploma in your hand, a whole new life-path is forming that will take you to places you never dreamed of.  How do I explain that the social clicks, that you thought were so important for your emotional survival during high school, have no bearing on your potential as an adult in the adult world.

How can I explain that with the availability of weapons in today's society, it is stupid  to alienate, ridicule, humiliate, emotionally torture, or physically abuse other students whose emotional shells have not yet been hardened by their experiences in the adult world. How can I impress upon those students that in the whole scheme of things, high school means nothing, unless you do not earn that required diploma.  It is but a blip on the screen  of life, yet, how they treat others during this time, can scar and wound so deeply that they can create dangerous situations for themselves and others. 

And how can I impress upon parents and educators that life isn't like it was when we were growing up and so we can't treat it as such.  We can't chalk these things up to "boys will be boys".  We can't tell our child to fight back.  We can't ignore a child's complaints of harassment in school, leaving the bullied  to work it out for themselves.  We must intervene and work to create an environment that will nurture and enhance our children's lives, not place them in situations they should not have to endure alone.

I look back on my own life in high school and I do understand.  There were six of us who hung out together.  We lived in the same neighborhood, went to the same church and banded together during high school because it was better than being alone.  We had something in common due to church and where we lived. 

We did not pick each other because we were soul mates.  It was a matter of emotional survival--not having to be alone.  Once high school was over we went our separate ways, not looking back.

One day I had this urge to find all my old high school friends and rekindle the friendships.  I was going through a tough time in my life and It seemed natural to reach out for that bond that had seen me through before.  Boy, was I disappointed.  None of my high school "friends" wanted to rekindle that friendship.  They still saw me as the same person I was when I was in high school and evidently they weren't that fond of me then.   However, during high school I thought we were tight as a drum.

I was hurt by this until I had a chance to analyze it better.  It was like we never knew each other.  Perhaps they just wanted to forget that part of their lives.  

Who knows, but it made me realize that perhaps we gather our friends around us as a barrier from our real feelings of inadequacies, and in order to hide those inner conflicts, we gain some respite from our own torments by tormenting others.  

Perhaps we form clicks to ward off unwanted reminders of our self doubt and fears.  Then, when we no longer need the protection, we discard those fleeting friendships, which are still a painful reminder of the lingering fears and doubts that follow us into our adult lives.

In talking to others over the years there is a common theme.  There are very few adults today who have maintained their high school friendships.   What does that say about the high school years--That they are important only in that they provide a medium to obtain the much needed diploma that will take you to the next rung of the ladder.  

High schools  are a place of learning, not just facts and figures, but the art of dealing with people, and people are everywhere.  Each person you pass on the busy street, each person you pass in the supermarket, each person you meet at the local gym or at the hamburger stand, or in the workplace, came through the same excruciating gauntlet of pain and fear during their teenage years.  They carry with them the scars, some hidden, some worn like a badge of courage.  But we are all the walking wounded.  

That computer geek in high school might just become the next Bill Gates of the world, and you may be coming to him or her for a job that will feed your family.  That science nerd you teased in chemistry class might become the next Einstein and be instrumental in saving the life of your child with his ground breaking discovery.  And speaking for myself, that fat girl you sat next to in choir just might become the CEO of a corporation. 

I ran across an old junior high school  acquaintance while my children were young.  I had moved after junior high  and attended a different high school, but I still remembered this gentleman because he was in that group that I looked up to.  We were bowling next to each other.  He had gone back to his reunion and related the changes in the people we had known.  

The girl who had been on the swim team,  could do one handed push ups, and who had all the boys panting,  now weighed in at three-hundred unhappy pounds.  No one was who we thought they would be.  My acquaintance had a normal, average job, and I was a mousy, frumpy, housewife raising four children in a bad marriage. High school had been as much of an illusion as Alice's' looking glass world.  It had no bearing on who we were or who we were to yet become.  

Some of us are late bloomers.  I did not achieve in the business world until  the age of  44 after the demise of a marriage that lasted 25 years.  I was a late bloomer and waited until my children were grown to pursue my dreams.  Others bloom early, choosing careers over families, which come late in life.  One just never knows how the road of life will bend and twist.  

What I want to say to young people and parents today is that the child you see in front of you today, has value.  They have a calling that will make itself known in their adult life.  They have a reason for being.  junior high and high school is just a pit stop on the road they will journey.  We must not make it a hell hole that overshadows and derails the child before they even get a chance to begin.  

School is a dangerous place in today's society and we must never forget that.  There is no time of innocence.  It is an "in-your-face" kind of world that can suck you in and blast you out.  We must not let apathy create an environment of danger.  There is so much of life left to live.  We must  not create a hostile environment where our children's spirits shrivel and wither  before they even get a chance to spread their wings.

As a former geek, nerd, and  fat chick, let me tell you how lonely my high school days were.  Let me tell you of the harassment, the humiliation, the isolation, the ridicule that made my high school days miserable.  You have no idea how much a kind smile, a nod, or a  simple word  would have meant to me.  I went into my adulthood thinking there was something terribly wrong with me and I spent many wasted years trying to compensate for that feeling of worthlessness. I am convinced that it contributed to my late blooming.

You have no idea how much we effect the lives of those around us.  Why not for the good?  What will it hurt to be nice to someone?  As we have seen from Columbine, it certainly can hurt not to be.

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