E-Mail...A Communication Tool for Addressing and Resolving Problems

American Indians are astute when it comes to communication skills. As part of their culture and upbringing, they are taught to respect the speaker by listening.  To assure that all will be heard without interruption, they often employ a communication tool called the "Talking Stick".  He who hold the stick has the floor.  No one will interrupt or voice their opinion while someone else is holding the "Talking Stick".  To do so is a sign of disrespect and a serious breech of etiquette.

For those of us whose listening skills are less than perfect, listening to a spouse or a partner can be a lesson in frustration.  Airing our differences brings with it an opportunity for misunderstanding and confusion brought on by the high emotions that run rampant during a squabble over issues.   Each of us brings to the relationship our past baggage as well as various degrees of communication skills that make the task of communicating displeasure to our partner one fraught with danger.

For some, using their own version of a "Talking Stick" can work.  But for others who have more serious communication issues, even that tool can fail as tensions, frustrations, and resentments escalate.  Walls are built  higher and higher and more firm.  Small issues then become larger ones and the burden of not being able to air the feelings and hurts  weighs heavily on the partners.

You see, we all come at problems from a position of self protection and denial.  The typical couple will find their attempts at resolving issues an insurmountable task because either one or the other will become defensive and lash out verbally to ward off what they see as an unwarranted attack. 

The person who is trying to air the grievance becomes even more angry and frustrated and is often shut down or misunderstood because no one is listening to each other.  The squabble escalates into a fight and the issue that was the catalyst to the ensuing argument is long forgotten in the shouting and the accusations that are being hurled as weapons in an all-out win or lose verbal melee.

Experience is a good teacher and so I feel I can speak from that experience when I say that most divorces are the result of months and years of this type of anger, resentment and frustration built up without resolution.  Unless we learn new ways of resolving normal relationship issues without the build-up of these kinds of problems, no relationship is safe.

Jim and I think we have found a new and exciting way of resolving our issues without all the complications and danger.  For us, e-mail has proven to be a valuable tool.  Yes, for those couples who don't seem to be able to communicate face to face, e-mail may become a valuable tool for addressing grievances without interruption, and without misunderstanding.  In fact, we have made it a rule in our household. 

We no longer sit down for those energy draining face-offs.  If we have a grievance, we sit down to the key board and e-mail it.   That way,  the person with the grievance has the opportunity to put it into words and to explain their side of the issue in a way that can be understood and digested without emotional confrontation.  (these types of e-mails should never be e-mailed to anyone's place of work as some companies monitor their employees e-mail.  Use separate accounts on your personal home system)

It  allows the issue to be addressed early on and resolved before it becomes a problem.  It allows the receiver of the e-mail time to digest the content and to read it in its entirety before replying.  It also means that the sender does not have to experience the frustration of emotional outburst or interruptions from their partner that takes the focus away from the issue.  It  provides a better understanding of the sender's point of view and of what the person needs.  And, it creates an atmosphere that is better suited for resolving issues that are often fraught with fear and feelings of rejection that only serve to escalate misunderstanding and hurt feelings.

The receiver may reply in an angry tone initially, since even e-mail cannot completely remove the emotional reaction that  causes us to become defensive. But it allows these feeling to happen in a safe environment that reduces the escalation of these feelings and thus promotes understanding rather than hostility.  And, the sender can again reply and further clarify in relative emotional safety. 

There is one more value to e-mail when resolving issues.  How many times have there been resolution only to find that one or the other of the couple does not hold up their end of the agreement? It happens! We forget. We go back to old patterns of behavior because it is familiar and comfortable.  Or, we acquiesce to something we really didn't like or want just to smooth things over.  It happens!

For those times when we must revisit the issue and re-discuss the complaint and the resolution, there is a written record of the conversation and the resolution so that if either party forgets their agreement or goes back on their word, they can go back over the entire discussion and remind themselves, and each other of what was discussed and what was agreed to. 

It can be better than journalizing because you can put  each issue into a file folder and have it at a finger's touch if you need to re-discuss something.  It is difficult to "not remember" something that was said or agreed to if the person's exact words are recorded and filed away.  It is a great way to hold each other to our agreements without the excuses and the convenient lost memories that often happen when one person  doesn't really mean what he is agreeing to. It also reduces the emotional baggage that accompanies such slights and backslides. 

I can't  suggest this method of communication strongly enough for those couples who just can't get past the anger and frustration and onto resolution of the issues they face in their relationship.  It is not  the total answer, for at some point the couple will need to start dealing with their issues face to face.  However, it is a way to start the healing that is needed to learn how to deal without the baggage.  It may well be the only way some couples can address the serious problems that confront them when the only solution they are looking at is divorce. 

Though we do end up resolving our issues face to face, we use the e-mail method as the first step in airing our grievances.  It will always be the first step to resolution for us.  I would love to hear how it works for others.

You can contact me at:   editor@cactusventures.com

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