Breaking up is hard to do!

by Christy Lee

I  don't think we can save them from the heartache and pain that occur during and after a divorce. We can, however, create a safe, nurturing, environment that can serve to stabilize the process.  We learned, the hard way, when my youngest daughter went through her divorce.

Their father had been their daycare during the long separation.  It had allowed her to work without the daycare costs, since he had never paid her a dime of child support since separating, and is now over $7,000.00 in arrears, (as of this publication). 

Life does go on.  Her Ex-husband got on with his.  He and his NEW girlfriend moved 12 hours away.  My daughter was forced to quit her dead-end job and move her family clear across the continent to live with us.  This choice provided her with a support system, daycare, and an opportunity to go to college.  In the mean time, her Ex-husband is still not paying child support, and is barely paying attention to his children.

Children react differently, depending on their level of pain and needs.  In our case, the children, (ages 8 and 11), were very angry.  They were angry at the divorce.  They were angry that their father was co-habiting with another woman who had a child age 7.  They saw this as being replaced.  They were angry at having to leave most of their belonging behind because they could not fit everything they wanted to bring into the small car they drove across country.

They were angry about leaving their cousins and friends behind.  They were angry that they would not be able to see their father as often as they had in the past.  And, because he was not here to vent their anger at, the anger was dumped upon their mother and grandparents.  Their anger was acted out at school and with neighbors.

The youngest felt that if he was bad enough, we would simply ship him off to live with his father.  This became a real battle ground.  The absent parent is always the saint, the custodial parent the sinner.  Neither child was adapting well to the change.  Neither was doing well in school.  Neither was making friends.  Both the teachers were very concerned and saw bouts of depression and anger create tension and hostilities with the students in their classes. 

If things weren't' bad enough, their father was neglecting them.  He seldom called.  The eight year old called daily, trying to control the situation.  He was going to make his father care about him.  His father would have no choice.  The conversations were forced, pitifully short, and unrewarding. 

There is not much of an emotional connection from a two minute phone call divided between two children.  As a result, the children were told, by their father, not to call until after their regular bedtime, which limited their conversations even more.  He was much to busy to be bothered by these "endless" calls.  He had a life, after all.  Their anger grew.

Their birthdays came and went without so much as card.  This hurt the children terribly.  Their behavior at home and school escalated.  The oldest child's grades were suffering with a threat of being held back a grade.  My daughter was racked with guilt and frustration.  Nothing we were doing seemed to work.  Then, the straw that broke the camel's back hit, and hit hard. 

The youngest child had threatened a bully.  The bully had teased and tormented him until he finally snapped.  The eight year old threatened to burn down the school and kill everyone in it.  At this point, something drastic had to be done before things got worse.  The teacher, who was working closely with us, was forced to report this threat to the principal.  However, rather than suspend him, the teacher agreed that we would work with him and see what happened.

It was at this point that we changed tactics.  No more guilt.  No more being nice.  It was, as Dr. Phil put it often on his television show, "time for commando tactics".   [use the search box at the bottom of the page to find other books on raising children] 

The first thing we did was sit the children down and tell them that their behavior was not acceptable.  We explained calmly that we had tried to be "nice", and because of their continuing anti-social behavior, we were going to have to demand their cooperation.  We told the oldest that she would be held back a year if her grades did not improve substantially.  We also explained that there would be no sleep-overs, no nothing until her grades came up.  We told her that if her grades improved we would plan a sleep over with her best friend some time after the Christmas holidays, however, she was grounded to the house until they did improve. And, we would not remodel her room, (as we had planned).  The ball was now in her court.

With the youngest, and the threat, we felt that we had to take an even harder tack.  We told him that we didn't care what his problem was, that there was no excuse for his threat.  It would not be tolerated.  And, that no matter what, he would not be going to live with his father.  The courts had given their mom complete physical custody and no matter what, he was going to live here with his grandparents and his mother.  We told him that if he ever threatened anyone again, his bedroom would be stripped to a mattress and he would be grounded from computer, video games, and television for a very long time, (not to mention grounded to the house). 

We told him that if he got himself suspended, he would not like his home schooling.  We explained that he would be working his little fingers to the bone on school work with no recess or play time. Yes, it was drastic, but we felt that it was time to play hardball.  We were in a war and we had no choice but to win at all cost.

Along with the severe restrictions, we changed their routine.  We created tradition.  At bedtime, the 8 year old was tucked into bed by his grandfather after his mother read a chapter in a book they picked together.  The 11 year old participated in this bedtime reading.  Then, I tucked her into bed.  This made a big difference in their bedtime attitude.  Before it was chaos laced with hostilities.  Now it seemed peaceful and relaxed.

We set a strict bedtime.  8:00 PM on school nights, 9:00 on Fridays and Saturdays.  They had been staying up as late as they wanted on the weekends, and then were cranky all day from lack of sleep.  They are not happy with the change but it works better than an unlimited schedule.

Their homework is done first.  No exceptions.  We give them 30 minutes to unwind and settle in, then it is homework and reading.  Only after they are done can they go play.

My daughter gave up her room so the two children could have their own rooms.  This has made a big difference in their attitudes.  They like not having to share a room.  We felt that the 11 year old was too old to be sharing a room with her little brother.  It has eliminated much of the fighting, which is a reward for us grandparents who are used to a quieter lifestyle, and given the 11 year old a sense of independence. 

I think what we have discovered is that parenting from a position of guilt only gives the children inappropriate power and creates chaos.  A parent needs to know their role and not let the guilt affect effect boundaries and discipline.  No parent can make up for the transgressions of the non custodial parents.  Trying only confuses things even more.  Let the non-custodial parent stand on his or her own merits. 

Just, but firm--a motto to live by with children.  Add love and gentleness, and you have a winning combination. The children are doing great now.  We still have problems with the non-custodial parent--problems that won't be solved anytime soon.  However, their life here is stable and secure.  They know where they stand and know that they are loved.  They also know that to cross the boundaries of behavior is to bring fair, but just punishment down upon their heads.  

Grades have improved.  Their social interactions at school have improved.  There is still a lot of work and love to give, but the future looks bright now.