There are several definitions in the Webster's New World Dictionary for the
obstacles I have encountered while battling weight loss and living well. The first word I
looked at was chasm because it seemed like I was struggling to cross the chasm
from obesity to actual weight loss. I also saw the words "crevasse and
fissure. While they described some of the obstacles, they did not
encompass the totality of the problems I was experiencing. It wasn't until
I read the definition for "Rift" that the entire picture came into
focus. Rift simply meant that it is "a large fault
along which movement was mainly lateral".
The definition rang true for me. I had been struggling to leap the
rift. Unfortunately, most of my movement had been lateral. I had
gained and lost the same pounds over and over again. I had covered this
ground and retraced my steps a hundred times during my life, neither gaining or losing ground. I had been
swimming against a strong current and just treading water. In fact, I have
hit a wall at 230 lbs and have not been able to get past it. It wasn't
just the weight. I have not yet gotten the message about living well.
At 60, an age that seemed unbelievably old back when I was in my 30's, I find
that 60 is not old at all. My mind is still very young. There are
times when my mind feels all of 16 years old. I just don't have the body
and stamina to match it. I have allowed my mind and body to become
isolated from one another. When I speak of mind, body, spirit, I am
convinced that my very soul has suffered as a result of this isolation.
I started a walking regime which has grown to two miles in the morning and
two miles each evening. Still no loss. I cut my calorie intake to
minimal--no between meal snacks, no sugar, no white flour, no soda. I
changed to a small plate to cut my portions. I even started taking a
weight loss product to cut my appetite and jump start my metabolism. I
actually lost inches, but not weight.
My goal was to get under 230 for the first time in years. I started
four weeks ago to make these changes at age 60, 237 lbs. (I just turned 60
this June). I have lost weight over the years and gone from 275 at my
maximum to the 230 I am now. I lost the weight without really trying over
about 5 years. I can only credit it to getting older and eating less or
changing my eating habits without realizing I was doing it. Perhaps all
the information I had been receiving through news reports and other media has
somehow stuck. And then, there is the happy factor.
Over the last few years I have come into my own. I have been more
satisfied with my life and my journey. I have found things to do that are
rewarding and satisfying and perhaps filled some of the holes I was
stuffing with food. Either way, I was on the road to health whether I was
actively or passively involved in doing so.
I've recently dropped almost one dress size, but no weight. I should be
happy about it...and I am in a way. My weight has been dancing between 230
and 233 for four weeks now. That is when I discovered the affects of diabetes on
weight loss. I am pre-diabetic. I am trying to control it with
weight loss and diet. Not only is my diabetes hindering me, but my age as
well. My 33 year old daughter does the same thing and burns calories
faster than I do. Not fair! Here is my
life experience warning to anyone trying to lose weight: Lose it
now! Don't wait! The older you are the harder it gets. Once
you get diabetes, you have it for life. Prevent it at all cost! Life
is hard enough without complicating it with diabetes. Diabetes is like
pregnancy--you're never just a little bit diabetic!
Ok, as long as I am being honest...here it goes. One of the reasons I
think I didn't lose weight sooner was the sagging skin issue. I WILL have
a piece of skin that will hang down where my stomach used to be. I think,
in my obese mind, having to deal with that issue was more frightening that being
obese--And then there was having to go through the surgery to remove the excess
skin. I am afraid that I hate pain, especially my own.
I have always wanted to have breast reduction surgery. I've packed
these babies around since Junior High School. My nick name in High School
was "boobs". I have the back and neck pain and the shoulder
indentations to prove it. One day I plan on having that done, but, I know
that I have to lose the weight to do it and I haven't thought enough of myself
to get the weight off.
Also, there is the cost factor. Besides the cost of surgery, there is
the cost of having to throw away all those clothes and buy new. I have
always been the sacrificial lamb...a role I learned from childhood. How
can I justify that kind of expense when my family needs so much...see where I'm
going here? So, I kept the weight on because of the expense. It is
all in my mind.
Well, I guess you can say I have experienced selfishness...the good
kind...the healthy kind. I finally have found myself worthy of these
things. I have found myself valuable. I deserve these
things...finally! I have shed the skin of my childhood and broken free
from my cocoon. I'm becoming the butterfly I was destined to become.
It took long enough! But better late than never.
I am worth the cost of surgery to remove the excess skin I will have left
over. If I had done this when I was younger, most of my skin would have
shrunk back into place because of the elasticity. However, one of the
consequences of waiting till 60 to lose the weight is the sagging skin.
I realize I have to keep it off for at least a year before even considering
surgery. So, I will let go of that long term goal for now and concentrate
on the NOW!
So, how did I get here? I am looking back down the path I have walked
the past 60 years. I cannot see the beginning from here but I can reflect
on it and utilize what I have learned so that I never have to retrace my steps.
I am going to turn this rift into a crevasse that only needs to be crossed.
I will share what I find with you along the way. Perhaps together we can
travel forward to our better selves.
Thanks for listening!
Update! It is now July
24th, 2008. I weighed myself this morning. I am now officially under
the 230 mark. I am 229.2 lbs. Sigh!!!! I am at the lowest weight I have
been for years. I have reached the goal I set for myself when I started
this wellness odyssey. I know...I'm just getting started, but setting
small goals and not looking too far down the road works better for me. If
I look too far I sabotage myself. I become overwhelmed with the big
picture. So, I keep it small and short. I have now lost 8 lbs in the
four weeks I have been doing this. I realize that two lbs per week is
healthy and preferred to fast losses. I also realize that there are
unreal expectations I have created in my mind from watching all the weight loss
reality programs. More on that later.
