When Mom Steps Out

By Christy Lee

Recently a friend shared her painful story. It began when her husband of twenty-two years announced he was leaving.  He blandly stated that he didn't love her anymore and was in love with someone else, (this someone else being a young single mother of a three or four year old).  Male middle age crisis strikes again, leaving chaos and destruction in its wake.

She soon found out that this was not a recent event.  Evidently he had been philandering throughout their marriage.  However, this middle aged grandmother with  grown children waited for him to come to his senses.  He never did.

I remember hearing a familiar phrase, though I don't know who to credit with it.  "There are only two ways a marriage ends--death and divorce."  Therefore, at some time in a woman's life, she will be faced with having to step out into the realm of being single--having to deal with all the issues that being single brings. 

If this weren't enough, the emotional impact on the family becomes evident rather quickly.  For the children of divorcing parents, no matter what the age, the impact is as devastating as for the parents.  Unfortunately, it does not end there.

Picking up the pieces of a shattered life can become very complicated, especially when children of any age are involved.  It is difficult for women to begin the dating process again. However, it is just as traumatic on the children--even grown children.  Divorce and death do not happen just to the adults in the family.  It also happens to the children and grandchildren.

It is difficult for children because most children do not see their mothers as sexual beings.  They also tend to hold on to the fantasy that the parents will get back together.  From the first date after a death, separation or divorce, the children see their mother taking on an unfamiliar role of a single woman, and with that new role comes confusion, anger, disappointment, and fear.

For the adult children of a marriage, who are busy creating their own lives, the trauma can often be more devastating than for the children still living in the home.  The separation often comes as a shock because they are usually not aware of the problems in the marriage.  Suddenly, they are faced with the dissolution of their family and have had no warning, no preparation, no chance to deal with the possibility before it happens. 

In the case of my friend, the reaction her son was having to it all, had even come as a shock to her.  Within a few weeks of the separation and her relocation to affordable housing, her son had abandoned the home he was buying, moved in with her, and was now acting as if he was the man of the house.  

Though she was dismayed at his lack of financial responsibility, she was a bit relieved that she would have someone helping with the expenses.  However, it was soon evident that helping out was not his intent. 

He quit his job, moved his girlfriend in without asking permission, and was not contributing to the household except to criticize his mother any time she complained about the situation.  She mentioned that he would get upset if she cried or showed any emotions and didn't see the need to pay his fair share of expenses, even though she was struggling to keep a roof over her head as a waitress. Needless to say, it ended badly.  She was forced to demand that he move out and take his girlfriend with him,  after a verbal altercation which led him to move in with her Ex-husband.  

The catalyst was when she told him that his girlfriend could not stay there. Her son yelled at her and said that all she did was hang out at the restaurant, and that she couldn't bring more than a loaf of bread home for the "family" to eat.  It was as if he expected her to just pick up where things had been when he was living at home during high school, supplying all his needs and supporting him.  

This young man was thirty years old.  My friend supposes that her son felt that because she was now alone, she would be an easy mark and easily manipulated.  She was surprised that he would take advantage of her in this way.  His actions were totally unexpected.  

I remember my second daughter writing me a terrible letter after my separation.  She was very angry at me, not at her father, whose actions and behavior  were the reason for the separation.  It was as if I had betrayed the family, not that he had betrayed me. My needs didn't seem to matter.  She expected me to suck it in and ignore the deceit and the betrayal for the sake of the family.  At this point, all my children were graduated from high school and gainfully employed or married.  Go Figure!  In fact, it took about a year for the children to make the pendulum swing from protecting their father to supporting my original actions.  And, believe it or not, a couple of the younger ones still protect him.  They just refuse to see him in a bad light and I have found it important not to push the fact.  

Even grandchildren are affected by the breakup of a marriage.  I remember being picked up for a date at my daughter's home.  I traveled for a living and so didn't have a formal home.  I would live with my children when I was in town.  

My grandchildren grabbed onto my legs and tried to restrain me from leaving.  It was a five minute tug-o-war while my date waited patiently outside the door.  That night, when we were parked in front of the house, saying our goodbyes, I suddenly felt that someone was watching me.  My date got this strange look on his face.  I turned to look out the car window and there were two beady little eyes staring at me through the car window.  It was my eight year old grandson.  He looked at me with this wizened look on his face and said, "Don't you think it is time for you to come in?"  I burst into laughter and said good night.  I didn't  meet my dates from my daughter's home again.  I realized that my grandson felt the need to protect his grandmother.  It was a role he was much too young to take on.

For  many  middle age women, experiencing the world of singleness for the first time, the trauma can be devastating.  They are no longer the same person they were. They are having to reinvent their selves as they go.  They don't know who they are or what they want, and there may not be a lot of support from those close relatives they had thought would be there for them.  It can be a lonely time fraught with turmoil, pain, struggle, and run-a-way emotions.  

Their finances may be in chaos as they struggle to support themselves, and when there are no minor children, the extra financial support from child support is not there to cushion the fall.  Their standard of living drops drastically and medical insurance may be hard to come by.  With such a short time till retirement, even that prospect is intimidating as the worry about the future looms ahead in the great unknown that has become their lives.   

Please share  your own personal experiences with us at: steppingout@cactusventures.com

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