What Do You Do For A Living?

For some women and men, this dating question can bring on panic attacks.

Why, you ask? Because your occupation is often a status symbol. In the world of men, especially, a person's occupation has always been connected to status. There is a very definite and rigid class system that many women are not aware of.

It involves power--the power of money. It is about appearances--how the world sees us in relationship to what we want the world to see. There is often a flash of ego every time a person pulls out a credit card. If that card is the American Express Platinum card, well, its mere presence brings four-star service to anyone who uses it. The Platinum card is difficult to come by and signifies a particular status quite different from a simple Master Card or visa.

Before you date you need to know how you feel about money, power, status, and what you want in regards to your future. You need to learn something about money, credit cards and how the world works in relation to it. Where do you see yourself in five years? What will you be doing? Before you answer the question, "What do you do for a living?" you had better understand how the financial world works.

Most women aren't expected to have attained the high employment standards men place on each other. Men usually understand that part time and minimum wage jobs, in-between children, won't allow a lot of women to have climbed the ladder of success. Yet, they will be looking for someone who will compliment their status, or perceived status. Even without a lot of work experience and employment skills, men will look kindly on anyone who volunteers, giving of time selflessly.

Why is this important, you ask? For women and men whose financial status is less than desired, these selfless attributes can tip the scale. Imagine the newly divorced single mom, struggling to make ends meet, perhaps having to utilize state programs which will help get her feet under her. What does this person answer to the question?

One reader wrote: I am newly divorced and have four children to support. I struggle each day with finding and keeping adequate day care for my children, (working at an entry level job that I hope will be a stepping stone to bigger things). It is difficult finding time for a family life, time for myself as a person, and time for all the errands. I enjoy a casual night out once-in-a-while with intelligent, adult conversation in a relaxed setting. I enjoy a special meal at a quiet restaurant or a movie, or maybe a dance.

I use food stamps and Medicaid as a supplement to get by. Without them, I don't know what I'd do. I am no dummy but I have had to put my Bachelors degree on hold along with my career in an effort to just keep a roof over our heads.

There have been times that men, inadvertently seeing food stamps in my purse during a date, have suddenly changed dramatically. Their entire demeanor changes. They don't call back a second time and the rest of the night is spent in awkward silences. I feel like they don't think I have a right to date or enjoy myself once in a while because I use food stamps. Perhaps they feel I am after them, or I want them to take over my responsibilities, Or that I am out for their money.

I am proud of my courage and my independence. I could have stayed in my loveless marriage if I had just wanted someone to take care of me. What I want is respect . I want them to get to know me, not my temporary financial situation. I want them to understand who I am, Not how I support myself at this moment. I have over come many obstacles which have made me strong. I have grown and blossomed into a wonderful person since my divorce. I feel like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon. Why can't men get to know the real me, not their pre-conceived idea of who I am, or who they think I am. They don't even give me a chance. I just enjoy their company once-in-a- while. It's no big deal. Why can't we just be friends and enjoy each others company?"

After reading this letter, I asked myself, "How would I react if a man used food stamps?" It would definitely not be a strike in his favor, at first. My first thought was that I would hopefully take the time to get to know the person. My mother always said, "it takes at least three dates before you really get to see the real person. First impressions are usually wrong." However, I would probably not follow this guide, and this disturbed me.

What would I have to lose? Even if he is not marriage material, I will have been given the chance to learn about another human being, learn more about myself, and perhaps become better at judging people. I will have learned what I like and what I don't like, which can only help me make better decisions. I will have had a good meal, pleasant conversation, and will have gotten out of the house, done something just for me. Even if the date ends badly, there are many positive points, I might note. So why such resistance to the idea? If I have trouble with this issue, why shouldn't men?

I think we are all prejudge people in one way or another. That accounts for the old joke about the garbage man who was asked, "What do you do for a living?" He replied, "I am a Sanitation Engineer." It seems that for a long time, people have been leery about answering that question. Maybe it's time to get to know people from the ground up, not by their credit cards. Perhaps a simpler life would be better. It is all in how we perceive ourselves and how we compare ourselves to the world.

One thing I might say about this letter is, leave the food stamps at home. Please carry cash on a date. The food stamps, though nothing to be ashamed of, are advertising something that is personal and doesn't have to be shared, not just yet. In new relationships and first dates or casual meetings with people you don't know or have not had time to build a relationship with, it is not necessary to lay everything out on the line. Dating is a time of getting to know people, not their financial status. You obviously can't pay for a meal with food stamps so there is no reason to bring them along.

Let the person get to know the real you without all the baggage. If you are actively pursuing a positive, rewarding lifestyle you will be involved in many hobbies and organizations you can talk about. You can talk about your interests, your dreams, your educational plans and goals, your volunteer efforts in your community.

Talk about scouting if you are a den mother or have children in scouting. Talk about the PTA, volunteer work, and don't be afraid to mention your poetry or your beautiful singing voice. Don't leave out your volunteer work at the hospital, or your Chairmanship of the last Parents Without Partners dance.

Invite your date to a family outing so he can see you at your most nurturing and fun self. Get a bunch of friends together to play cards, go to a museum, a planetarium, a local play. Do things you enjoy. it will make a big impression. Sometimes we settle for a dinner and a movie because we don't know what else to do. A more active encounter leaves a little less time for chatter. Interactive activities produce endorphins that create a sense of well being. So invite your date to share in a game of touch football at the park, or volleyball, or roller blading, or fishing, or whatever you and your family like to do. AND LEAVE THE FOOD STAMPS OUT OF IT! Purchase the food ahead of time.

Don't drag your children into the "we're poor" crap by making issue of having to use food stamps. The less said the better. Don't make it so prevalent in your life that it spills over into your home, your work, your personal life. It is just a means to an end and doesn't really matter. If you are asked what you do for a living, be honest, but perhaps you could honestly say you are a writer, or provide child care, or you are a student. If you are not working, just say you are in training, or school, making use of a scholarship, or in the process of building a home based business. What ever you do, look at the positive. Relate the positive.

If you find that this person is becoming an important person in your life, then, you can approach the subject of finances. Ask a lot of questions about how this person feels about finances. It will give you a leg up in knowing how he will accept your circumstances. There is no need to spill the beans too soon in a relationship. If asked outright, be honest, always, but don't be too eager to lay it all out on the table for a stranger.

I would like to hear how others feel about this question.

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