Why We Care about the problems surrounding Non Payment of Child Support

by Christine Bruun

Two grandchildren and my youngest daughter are living here with us after her divorce.  They were separated a year before the divorce was final.  He only signed the papers because she was moving here with us,  and his new "girlfriend", (that he had been living with since the separation), wanted to get married before they moved to Nevada.  The X married four days after the divorce was final.  My daughter had just arrived in South Carolina when she got the news, second hand. 

She had been paying for his insurance premiums automatically deducted out of her pay checks for that entire year because he would not sign the papers and the law prevented her from removing him until the divorce was granted.  I guess there was no more benefit in him holding out on signing the papers since she had quit her job and with it went the medical insurance he was gladly making use of.

Before leaving she had filed for bankruptcy to shed all the unpaid debt that had been accumulated because of  his irresponsibility and abuse of her paychecks.  He had either pawned or lost, in unpaid storage locker fees, thousands of dollars of their personal property, including her electric guitars and band equipment we had bought her during high school, and the baby crib and dresser that had been mine as a baby.  I had handed it down to her for her children.  These losses included precious photographs that can never be replaced.  The list is endless.  She has had to hunt him down to regain physical custody of a rent-to-own stereo he saw fit to pawn, even though it did not belong to him.  He signed her car as well as his away to loans -for- car titles companies and then defaulted, leaving her without transportation to get to work, (which was 35 miles away). Oh, and he had stiffed us for $3500.00 on a co-signed car loan he never paid, not to mention getting them evicted because he used the rent money to bail himself out of jail.  I could go on for hours.  But, I digress.  That was before the divorce.  This is now.

So, with nothing much to lose, she quit her job, closed out her 401 K and her stocks in the company share plan and headed across country to live with us and attend Winthrop University.  It took her a while to obtain residence status, but she finally qualified and is now in the last semester of her senior year.  She will graduate in December and then it is off to Grad school at UNCC.     Despite the financial and personal hardships of raising two children, going to college and trying to make ends meet on scholarships, grants and students loans, she has thrived emotionally and personally.  Because we help with daycare, picking them up at the bus stop, taking them to the YMCA for swimming after school, taking them to church and scouts, etc., she has even been able to do a few things just for herself, like volunteer at the local YMCA, volunteer at boy scout day camp, work at the local battered women's shelter, work on the Obama campaign and homeless counts locally.   And, she gets to spend some quality time with her kids just doing some fun things. 

With all the financial stress, not seeing the kids as often as she likes, and struggling to keep two growing kids in clothes and shoes, not to mention school fees and activities, she is convinced that her life is much better than it had ever been married.  However, if she had been receiving the court mandated child support payments as decreed in her divorce, the stress would be a whole lot less and life for the kids could be pretty great!   She  landed a part time position in the after school program run by the YMCA shortly after starting college.  Had it not been for her volunteer work, that would not have been possible.  She worked 15 hours per week and then volunteers some also.  She'll worked in the YMCA camp program this summer.  She had wanted to attend school summer sessions, but her car was about to die on her and she had to work to be able to buy another one.  We would love to be able to help out but we are living on retirement income and don't have much to spare. 

Her car died and since my PT cruiser was paid off, we let her drive it and I bought another one.  Yes, a PT Cruiser also. So, once again her transportation problems were solved.  She has struggled through for almost four years now.  She is flourishing.  She has won several prestigious scholarships and awards. She will graduated with approximately a 3.7 GPA.   She is well thought of by both students and faculty.  She has figured out what she wants to be when she grows up and is looking forward, despite the financial hardships, to grad school and then on to a PHD. 

I think non custodial parents forget that the child support is not for the custodial parent.  It is for the children's welfare. They helped make them, the least they can do is help support them.  When the child support is not paid, it causes hardships in many arenas.  When my daughter complained about not getting the support payments he suggested she get a job.  Evidently, he has divorced his kids as well.  That is very evident when birthdays, holidays, and Christmas go by without any acknowledgement except a few lies about not being able to send the gifts because.........

...Kids don't understand.  When they are blown off on these special occasions by their father, they take it personally.  It validates their already fragile feelings of inadequacies and that they are unloved. 

Now, that doesn't mean that his stepson who lives in the same house as he and his new wife, goes without his birthday and Christmas presents.  Their father was too sick to send Christmas a month after it was over but when they called to talk to him, he was out with his step child.  Try explaining this to kids.  It doesn't compute.  They have been replaced!

Speaking of phone calls.... the kids call him 90% of the time on our dime!  He seldom calls them.  We all try very hard to not alienate them from their father.  However, he does a very fine job all by himself.  He doesn't need our help! 

My daughter took the children to Idaho for the Thanksgiving holidays to see their grandfather.  It just so happened that his family was having a reunion at that time, so she made a special trip to the reunion so they could see that side of the family.  She was treated so badly by most of the in-laws that she almost left.  Then, when their father finally showed up, he spent most of his time talking to the adults, not spending it with his children.  When they arrived back home, the oldest came up to me and told me that seeing him again was like seeing an Uncle she hadn't seen in a while.  There was no emotional connection from him.  She was devastated.

One of the things I want to impress to Dead Beat Dads is that your children deserve to have a good life!  They deserve to have good dental and medical care.  They deserve to have decent clothes, proper haircuts, be able to have pictures taken on picture day, attend and participate in school activities, sports and clubs and organization sponsored activities.  They deserve a decent, safe car to ride in when they are transported. 

They deserve birthday presents, Christmas presents, greeting cards on Halloween, Easter, St. Patrick's day, and the 4th of July.  Even if you can't be there as much as you want, little acknowledgements in the form of cards or Gift cards, or eat out at your favorite fast food restaurant gift cards, let them know they are loved.  Stuff a balloon in the card with the instructions on how to make a balloon animal.  Send a recent photo.  Find some little trinket that fits inside a card, (like a sports card etc.  Subscribe to a magazine for them.  It is the gift that keeps on giving all year.   Kids need that continuous reinforcement.  I guarantee you, your spouse won't be near as angry if you make just a little effort for the children's sake.

Did you know that a consistent payment of even $5.00 per week per child shows that you are trying during those times when money is hard to come by.  It's enough to buy a pair of shoes or a matinee at the movies.  It is enough to buy a deck of Yugio or Dragonball-Z cards.  It is enough to buy snacks or even buy a card for your birthday or father's day.  It is enough to teach them to save and to handle money.  And it is enough to make them feel loved. 

When times are tough, call your X spouse and let them know you'll get as much to them as possible.  In the mean time, don't forget the kids.  They shouldn't be punished for the problems of the adults.

Now, why are we doing this?  Because he is now $21,000.00 behind on child support.  It would buy a safe, affordable vehicle that could get these children back and forth where ever they need to go.  It would help their mother get back and forth to school and work so that she can get a better job so she CAN  provide for her children in the manner they deserve.  It would save the State, Federal Government,  and local communities many thousands of dollars in services, that she would be able to provide without their help, if she just had the few hundred dollars each month that the courts ordered him to pay.  It would save time, effort, manpower, and emotional upheaval for the children as well as the parents involved. 

Until fathers, (and mothers), understand the devastation this  problem causes, children will suffer and continue to feel unloved and unwanted by their non custodial parent.  You may think that you are punishing your X spouse. Who really suffers are the children.